down the rabbit hole

family: a blessing, a curse, the learned dysfunction, things and people out of our control, the baggage one carries through life. one woman's story of the craziness that makes up her family. the hurts, disappointments, fun, hilarity, tears, laughter, life and death.

02 April 2006

the ultimatum

this little snippet of my life has been floating in my head for several days. a good sign that i need to write about it.

chuckles and i were married for two years....together for a total of four. during that time i figured i knew him pretty well. this is one of those events that reminds me that you never really know people as well as you might think. although, there were some clues to this side of him.....i chose to ignore them. i loved him.

first clue that there may have been something amiss was toward the end of our senior year. we were getting ready to go out with friends. i was finishing my make-up, he walked into the bathroom to pee.

chuck, if we hadn't lived together this last year, would we be getting married in a month?

probably not, getting married without having sex is like buying a used car without checking under the hood.

i didn't reply. my thought was that i said nothing about sex......but living together. there was that twinge in my stomach. besides, he could've found a better way to phrase that.

second clue was that when his parents came to visit, he would never come to my rescue about anything. and nothing i ever did was good enough according to my mother-in-law. that and his family had taken to calling me (excuse the term, but this is true) "their little nigger". being italian, i can get pretty dark in the summer. when i met them my hair was long and curly. chuckles never said a thing to his family about that either.

i know.......i should have but i was in love.

third clue came at the beginning of our marriage when my closest friend from high school's mom died in a house fire. donna called and asked me to please come home for the funeral. chuckles told me no. two reasons: he didn't want to spend the money on air fare and secondly who was going to take care of him. i acquiesed....being the good wife.

my theory is that when we were on our honeymoon in the bahamas, some native bahamians kidnapped, cloned him and gave me back his evil twin. that's the only explanation i have for the total change in his attitude from our courtship to post wedding.

the beginning of his second year of med. school was also the beginning of major problems between us.

he was never home, except to eat, sleep and fuck me for study breaks. once i actually asked him to leave a $20 on the pillow.

if you're gonna fuck me like a whore, you can pay me like a whore.

he walked out of the room without a word, returning to his books.

i came close to starting an affair, but couldn't be unfaithful. i'd lived through that with my parents. i wasn't going to start it with my matter how bad things got.

thanksgiving weekend of his second year in med. school, 18 months into our marriage, we were at his brother and sister-in-law's for dinner and the weekend. i was missing home and our family customs. i hadn't seen my family since my wedding. chuckles refused to take the trip to illinois to see them.

thursday was a pleasant enough day......we ate, watched some football and they discussed the politics of the indians, the reservations and that they should just be fenced in. my in-laws were not the most tolerent people in the world. i kept my mouth shut.

i turned in early that night with a book. the book being far better company than my in-laws at this point.

early friday morning, chuckles shook me awake.

rose, we're having sex this morning. if you don't, i'm going to divorce you.

it had been a couple weeks. we weren't getting along and i was in no mood for sex. especially sex with someone who treated me like his own private whore.

chuck, we're at your brother's. the whole family's here. i'm not interested in the entire family knowing we're in here having sex.

i'm gonna fuck you or leave you.


with that, chuckles moved on top of me, pinned my arms above my head with one hand as he forced my legs open with his. i started to open my mouth to scream at him, so with his other hand he grabbed one of the pillows in the bed and shoved the corner in my mouth. the rest of the pillow was on my chest and for some reason, i couldn't get it out of my mouth. so, there i was.......pinned to the bed. against my will, as my husband shoved his cock into my closed, very dry pussy.

the tears streamed from my eyes, into my ears, over my neck as my husband forced me to accept his cock plunging in and out of me. he came after a short time, much to my relief. that was the most painful sex i've ever encountered, not to mention degrading.

getting off me and removing the pillow from my mouth, he looked at me with eyes so cold......granite comes to mind.

well, that was the most unsatisfactory fuck i've ever had. clean yourself up before you show your face.

he left to shower. i sat on the bed, sobbing.......wondering where the man i'd loved had disappeared to, what i'd done to deserve this from him. and wondering if i could ever enjoy sex again.

i don't know how long i sat there and cried. chuckles stuck his head in at one point to let me know i needed to get showered and join the family for a late breakfast.

and will you try and look happy, for chrissake.

i showered, dressed and tried to use make-up to disguise the fact that i'd been crying.

joining "the family", i plastered a smile on my face and pretended everything was fine. i was much quieter than usual.

two weeks later, chuckles told me he wanted out anyway. he'd been having an affair with a classmate.

besides, i married you because you were pretty, could cook, and i figured your folks would help us through med school. that's not happening. i never really loved you. it's best if we just end this now.

it was the most devastating moment in my young adult life. i had trusted this man and was burned badly for that trust. i left that relationship wondering if i could ever trust another man again.........


At 03 April, 2006 01:55, Blogger A Nawty Mouz said...

Tragic and apalling. I would barely call him human.

At 03 April, 2006 08:25, Blogger rose said...

oh he was human.....just cruel.

At 28 April, 2006 16:37, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, I cried on that one. Wow.


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