sunday afternoons

when i was very small, before the destruction of the "happy family" myth occurred, sunday afternoons were the best. they blaze in my memory as if they only just happened.

being that dad was a pastor, sunday mornings were filled with church.......services, coffee hour, sunday school. we arrived home in time for lunch....or in our neck of the midwest woods, on sunday it was dinner.

mom would make something "big"......a crown roast, pork roast, ham (the old fashioned, still on the bone ham with cloves stuck in the skin), some vegetable, potatoes, salad of some sort, dessert. it was the big "fancy" meal of the week.

dinner was always followed by the game (baseball or football), dad and gerry sacking out on the floor. dad was always tired after a sunday....it was, after all, a work day for him. i think gerry was tired from taking care of (read: chasing) me.

gerry would be lying on the floor, with his knees bent, often dozing. he was 17 - 18 at this time.
i was 4 -5.

i'd come flying in from the kitchen, sit on gerry's knees and slide down, flopping on his stomach (occasionally a little lower--ouch!).

oomph! sheesh rose, i'm trying to nap.

come on, gerry. i wanna play!

i was great with manipulation as a child. it was my eyes. i'd give him that soulful, "please" look and he'd always give in. my great brother.......

okay rose, go get your child craft book.

we had this set of child craft books. can still see them. they were this shade of orangey red and about 16" long. just big enough for me to sit on.

i'd go running to my room and grab one, returning to gerry......

'kay, ger, here it is.

i knew what he'd do. he was my own personal carnival ride. he'd lay his arms over his head, i'd place the book on top of his hands, then sit down back to him, on the book. he'd lift me up and down on that book, from the floor to over his head. i would squeal in delight at my ride.

then he would let me slid down his knees. as long as he was awake and knew what was coming, he could protect sensitive spots. my landings were expected so not quite as shocking as that first one of the afternoon as he dozed.

he'd grab me sometimes, tickling me and tossing me around like a little rag doll. i would laugh and squeal at the fun we would have.

had enough, rose?

no......more!!

up he'd get from the floor, holding me by my arms and swinging me around as my feet flew out. i felt like i was flying.

we'd spend a good couple hours playing like that. sort of rough and tumble, but gerry never forgot i was his baby sister. he always made sure i was safe.

as i look back on those moments i see where the bond we have now grew from. there was a time in our lives when gerry thought me a pretty irresponsible young woman. we didn't talk a great deal.

around my 30th birthday, our relationship started to change. i'd been doing counseling for 3 years at a treatment center for juvenile delinquents at that point. gerry decided that if i could handle that, i must be more responsible than he gave me credit for.

since then, we've talked about those times when i was a small girl. from the time i was a toddler, until the age of 7 when the desertion of my parents occured, gerry was like my dad. he was the one holding me during church, or chasing me around. he was who i went to when upset about something. mom and dad didn't have the time.

funny how playing on a sunday could influence an adult relationship. i trust gerry with my life (literally.....he's my power of attorney, and health care proxy). he's the person i call when things get overwhelming. and we're the ones that share mom's decline and the responsibility of decisions that need to be made.

child craft book carnival rides, knee slides and arm flying........those things created a lasting, strong, unbreakable bond. amazing..............

the ultimatum

this little snippet of my life has been floating in my head for several days. a good sign that i need to write about it.

chuckles and i were married for two years....together for a total of four. during that time i figured i knew him pretty well. this is one of those events that reminds me that you never really know people as well as you might think. although, there were some clues to this side of him.....i chose to ignore them. i loved him.

first clue that there may have been something amiss was toward the end of our senior year. we were getting ready to go out with friends. i was finishing my make-up, he walked into the bathroom to pee.

chuck, if we hadn't lived together this last year, would we be getting married in a month?

probably not, getting married without having sex is like buying a used car without checking under the hood.

i didn't reply. my thought was that i said nothing about sex......but living together. there was that twinge in my stomach. besides, he could've found a better way to phrase that.

second clue was that when his parents came to visit, he would never come to my rescue about anything. and nothing i ever did was good enough according to my mother-in-law. that and his family had taken to calling me (excuse the term, but this is true) "their little nigger". being italian, i can get pretty dark in the summer. when i met them my hair was long and curly. chuckles never said a thing to his family about that either.

i know.......i should have run.....fast. but i was in love.

third clue came at the beginning of our marriage when my closest friend from high school's mom died in a house fire. donna called and asked me to please come home for the funeral. chuckles told me no. two reasons: he didn't want to spend the money on air fare and secondly who was going to take care of him. i acquiesed....being the good wife.

my theory is that when we were on our honeymoon in the bahamas, some native bahamians kidnapped, cloned him and gave me back his evil twin. that's the only explanation i have for the total change in his attitude from our courtship to post wedding.

the beginning of his second year of med. school was also the beginning of major problems between us.

he was never home, except to eat, sleep and fuck me for study breaks. once i actually asked him to leave a $20 on the pillow.

if you're gonna fuck me like a whore, you can pay me like a whore.

he walked out of the room without a word, returning to his books.

i came close to starting an affair, but couldn't be unfaithful. i'd lived through that with my parents. i wasn't going to start it with my husband.....no matter how bad things got.

thanksgiving weekend of his second year in med. school, 18 months into our marriage, we were at his brother and sister-in-law's for dinner and the weekend. i was missing home and our family customs. i hadn't seen my family since my wedding. chuckles refused to take the trip to illinois to see them.

thursday was a pleasant enough day......we ate, watched some football and they discussed the politics of the indians, the reservations and that they should just be fenced in. my in-laws were not the most tolerent people in the world. i kept my mouth shut.

i turned in early that night with a book. the book being far better company than my in-laws at this point.

early friday morning, chuckles shook me awake.

rose, we're having sex this morning. if you don't, i'm going to divorce you.

it had been a couple weeks. we weren't getting along and i was in no mood for sex. especially sex with someone who treated me like his own private whore.

chuck, we're at your brother's. the whole family's here. i'm not interested in the entire family knowing we're in here having sex.

i'm gonna fuck you or leave you.

no.

with that, chuckles moved on top of me, pinned my arms above my head with one hand as he forced my legs open with his. i started to open my mouth to scream at him, so with his other hand he grabbed one of the pillows in the bed and shoved the corner in my mouth. the rest of the pillow was on my chest and for some reason, i couldn't get it out of my mouth. so, there i was.......pinned to the bed. against my will, as my husband shoved his cock into my closed, very dry pussy.

the tears streamed from my eyes, into my ears, over my neck as my husband forced me to accept his cock plunging in and out of me. he came after a short time, much to my relief. that was the most painful sex i've ever encountered, not to mention degrading.

getting off me and removing the pillow from my mouth, he looked at me with eyes so cold......granite comes to mind.

well, that was the most unsatisfactory fuck i've ever had. clean yourself up before you show your face.

he left to shower. i sat on the bed, sobbing.......wondering where the man i'd loved had disappeared to, what i'd done to deserve this from him. and wondering if i could ever enjoy sex again.

i don't know how long i sat there and cried. chuckles stuck his head in at one point to let me know i needed to get showered and join the family for a late breakfast.

and will you try and look happy, for chrissake.

i showered, dressed and tried to use make-up to disguise the fact that i'd been crying.

joining "the family", i plastered a smile on my face and pretended everything was fine. i was much quieter than usual.

two weeks later, chuckles told me he wanted out anyway. he'd been having an affair with a classmate.

besides, i married you because you were pretty, could cook, and i figured your folks would help us through med school. that's not happening. i never really loved you. it's best if we just end this now.

it was the most devastating moment in my young adult life. i had trusted this man and was burned badly for that trust. i left that relationship wondering if i could ever trust another man again.........